Thursday 2nd June 2005

While like everyone I have good days and bad days, I feel I tend to not bask in the sunshine of those days when life treats me well. I tend to remember and hold closer those dark grey days, when the sun never appears from behind those rain clouds. For once and a break from regularly programming, I am going to tell the world how great life is and how wonderful this week is going. Perhaps my expectations were just too low and the thought of being all alone sent me into a fright. While I can have sympathy for taking this stance, based purely on my past experience. However, things have changed. That was my second full week in the job, this time around I had nearly six months experience and dare I say, expertise under my belt. This gives you the ability to deal with 47 ongoing things while simultaneously answering phones non stop in the afternoon. Let me stop there. This entry will not be consumed by the unpleasantness of work. Instead let me focus my attention on something completely different. Taking a step back from the one topic that has been on my mind the most, in recent months, I slowly come to realise that, regardless of what happens, the future is unwritten and I have no idea of what tomorrow may bring. As long as I face the challenges that are thrown at me with righteous ambitious dedication, with my heart full of hope, there is nothing, nothing that can stand in the way of what I want.

While most of the time I am trying desperately to find wholes in my life, to see where I feel completely unfulfilled. Sure, my life can be on first glance quite empty. Bland is the word I would use with a major lack of life experience, few aspirations. I would agree and perhaps I have no idea of where I want life to take me. That does not mean I am a fussy person unable to make decisive decisions. Perhaps I am scared of making long lasting choices that will change my life forever. Some people would call it putting things off, or running away. A colleague, only last week, left his job to travel around the world. While I am keen to travel and see the rest of this planet, I do not I could take that approach. Work for months, save all your money, to then leave and travel around the world for anything between 9 and 12 months, only to return home eventually and have to start work again. Sure, that is not to say things will always work out that way, who knows whom you may meet on that long and windy road. This is perhaps something I would talk about for years and then never get around to doing. How can some people hide from real life? More money than sense? Or they have a dream and they pursue it? I have no answers for this, but can only wish these people good luck on their voyage of discovery. For me, there is no such voyage of discovery, just a journey of and not to success.

Days are going past and I feel the moment I get home I am in some strange dream. I have started watching Hollyoaks, twice daily instead of just the once. The following nights episode is screened at 7pm on E4. Therefore, when you watch the same episode again, with the rest of the non satellite, cable or Free View(ing) public, you get a strange strong dosage of de ja vu. While my main reason or should that be excuse for part taking in this over indulgence of the Channel 4 soap, is to cover my what if scenario 2271 class B. If I am stuck in traffic and miss the episode on Channel 4 at 6pm. Sure, I know what you are saying, there is always the Sunday morning omnibus part of T4. Firstly that is far to much walk to wall television for any true physically fit and able human being to consume. I personally have better things to do on a Sunday morning, such a sleep or watch wall to wall music videos (you know the drill boys and girls, 440, 441…)

Am I happy? Yes, for the first time in several months I feel not the burden of some major doubt or worry. The promise that the next few months hold, brings together a number of acquisitions I have waited years to achieve. Sure, I may not exactly be living the bachelor playboy lifestyle that many FHM readers dream about, but it is a step in the right direction. For all those times I have doubted myself, those countless times I have had to vent my anger or despair on these pages, I wanted to change the tone. Change the strategy. Things are far from amazing and perfect, but they are far, far from bleak.

In a brief discussion with my friend, Sippy via MSN Messenger yesterday, the subject of human emotions, ever changing came in as topic. In the week, that is to change the life of my University, ex course and ex housemate, I can only thank myself that I am not in for such a rollercoaster ride. I think I could handle some ups and downs over a weekend, but not for endless nights. I then mentioned how I felt. Sure feelings change, as they always will over time. Perhaps I am beginning to learn that whether she might or might not, it is more a question of just getting on with my life.

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