Almost exactly a year ago, as our family holiday in Spain was drawing to a close, I did what I always seem to do: I pondered the future. Where would I be in twelve months? Would things look or feel any different? Classic overthinker move.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
It\u2019s such a human thing\u2014this compulsion to squint into the distance rather than shift our gaze to what\u2019s around us right now. Maybe it\u2019s hope. Maybe it\u2019s anxiety. Maybe both in equal measure, like mild milky tea and slightly stale biscuits. But I\u2019ve noticed this constant peering forwards makes the present feel like something to be endured, not enjoyed. There\u2019s always a \u201cwhen\u201d: when I get that promotion, drive the \u201cright\u201d car, travel Business Class, move to a neighbourhood with more trees, or track down the mythical \u2018perfect\u2019 job. The list goes on, limited only by how creative my inner critic feels that day\/week\/month.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Here\u2019s the thing: I am my own biggest critic. Forget any external competition\u2014the real Olympic-level opponent lives rent-free in my own head, commenting on every late start, missed gym session, or slightly limp packed lunch. The voice never stops. \u201cThis isn\u2019t enough.\u201d \u201cYou should be further along.\u201d \u201cWhy haven\u2019t you figured it all out yet?\u201d I\u2019ve got a lifetime subscription to this inner radio station, and it\u2019s missing the off switch.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
What I\u2019m slowly learning\u2014emphasis on slowly\u2014is that I can\u2019t outpace that voice by achieving more, ticking more boxes, or finding the right self-help book to buy (and not finish reading). There will never be a magic upgrade, no matter how many times I swap phones, cars, or life goals.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
So, where does that leave me at 43? Strangely, somewhere far more honest. A little frayed around the edges, maybe, but real. My so-called \u201cprogress\u201d might sometimes feel glacial, but at least it\u2019s moving. The harder I am on myself, the more I miss life as it is\u2014messy, funny, surprising, peppered with small victories and unexpected details. Like the time the car wouldn\u2019t start and somehow that\u2019s the memory that will stick from last summer, not the perfect Instagram sunset. We are flying out to Spain on Monday morning, to the same resort we visited last year albeit a week later. The only other difference is the departure airport switching to the logistically better placed LHR rather than LGW.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Here\u2019s what I\u2019m working on (slowly): letting go. Letting go of the endless scoreboard, the imaginary timeline, the \u201cshould have by now.\u201d Letting go, bit by bit, of the pressure to optimise every moment as if life is a spreadsheet in need of more formulas.<\/p>\r\n\r\n