Thursday 1st January 2004

So a new year is upon us. What will 2004 bring? What did I achieve in 2003? Looking back it was very much a ‘filler’ year. There was the transition between placement back to University which went quite smoothly in the end. Apart from that what did I achieve? What did I gain? Tackling these questions now, seems a struggle because I don’t feel a sense of overwhelming contentment with the past 12 months. If ‘Hindsight is an exact science’, I lack the scientific knowledge to look back after the events and take comfort or hatred from the various episodes, strange how that may seem.

Most people’s dreams are pure fantasy. A creation of their vivid imagination of a unconscious mind. However for me in recent nights, my dreams have been closer to reality than ever. Speeding tickets, being transported to the 80s and watching my life, like a late Sunday afternoon television repeat before my eyes. I have no explanation for why I have been having such dreams that border on the sense of my own personal reality. I tend to be one of those people whom forgets the entire contexts of the dream as soon as I am wake and in the real world. I remember hearing from certain specialists in this field that our dreams are based on events that have occurred during the day, and the way in which our brain tries to deal with all the subconscious messages received during the course of the day. However, my days have been far from hectic, interesting or varied. I will of course keep you posted on events, as they unfold.

New Year’s Eve must be one of the most overrated nights of the year. For the second consecutive year, I was at home with my family. Watching the new year unfold on live television. I want to make a promise to myself. Not a resolution. I want to see the New Year arrive on different countries but ultimately in the big capitals across the globe: New Year, Los Angeles, Sydney, Hong Kong, Paris, Berlin. My dream would be see the new year in on every continent. I will. I will do this.

So a year has almost past since that SMS. How do I feel? Not quite sure to be honest. Better? Worse? Difficult to judge. I have moved on in leaps and bounds. The message will be deleted at midnight tonight. Then it will be nothing more than a brief memory. I know at the time, I said to myself, looking forward at how I would feel a year on. It will be a final closure to delete the message. However, I don’t feel better, because nothing significant has happened to my life in the past 12 months. Nothing which shows any sense of achievement or success. I just hope the next 12 months is full of success and ultimately happiness for me. I know the route of my unhappiness. That the one single event of August 2002, has left me very lonely in the world. Lonely to the extent that most of my school friends do not want to know me anymore and finding new friends is a difficult task. I really want to throw myself into something because the holidays are not providing me with anything but boredom.

I want to wish every visitor to my site all the best for the New Year. Let us make 2004 a year to remember!

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